So, nobody really likes to talk about brokenness. Usually, we walk around (especially at church) acting like we have ourselves all put together. As a former pastor's daughter and military kid, and as a current pastor's wife, I can't tell you what pressure there is to "have it together." Well, God's broken me into pieces in the past few days in a much needed way. Having this emergency medical situation and loss did not break me for I didn't understand even in part what brokenness was. Am I going to act like I am all together from now on, I am going to try my best not to. The walls that I have felt between God and I for so long are not there anymore. Not because I didn't believe or trust Him, but the thing he hates the most was so prevalent and ordinary in my life that I didn't even see it. PRIDE. The very opposite of what God wants for our lives, had reared it's ugly head so long ago, that it became a part of me. I realized through reading a book about brokenness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that when she gave a long list of what prideful people vs. broken people do, that I almost got a perfect score for being the proudest person in the world. Yes, I have loved God since I gave my heart to Him when I was 10. Yes, I have had amazing moments where I could feel God's presence in such a real way that I wanted to stay there forever. However, throughout much of college years and beyond, I have allowed pride to grow in such a way that I am ashamed. I feel like it's not something I should keep a secret for as I knelt (as best I could) at His feet and brokenly confessed each form of pride that I had allowed into my life, I felt those walls crumble and the presence of God so real that I want everyone to experience it.
"God creates out of nothing. Therefore, until a man is nothing, God can make nothing out of him." - Martin Luther
God can't use us the way He wants to or even be near us when we have pride in our lives. Pride comes in many forms, but can only be overcome by brokenness. If we really want to change to world and allow Him to change ours, we have to get rid of it. Am I forever cured of this...probably not as this is a struggle I might need to fight each day. The freedom that comes from honesty and a REAL, vibrant relationship with Him, is far worth any fight we might have to take on.
"When our personality is surrendered to the Holy Spirit, He will express the heart of God in and through us. We will no longer be self-conscious but God-conscious." - Nancy Leigh DeMoss
As far as how I am feeling, I still have good days where I feel like life could be getting back to normal and bad days where I feel like a limp dish rag. Six to eight weeks is a long time, but it is my mile-marker to hope for that life can return to a new normal for us. (Minus the pride=) I still have trouble sleeping through the night, and I would ask for prayer on that as it really affects how I feel the next day. However, I know that God is faithful, and if He wants to use those long hours to break me and draw me close to HIm, than so be it. I am so excited to live out my days God-conscious instead of self-consious. Will you join me?
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