A Broken Christian

So, nobody really likes to talk about brokenness. Usually, we walk around (especially at church) acting like we have ourselves all put together. As a former pastor's daughter and military kid, and as a current pastor's wife, I can't tell you what pressure there is to "have it together." Well, God's broken me into pieces in the past few days in a much needed way. Having this emergency medical situation and loss did not break me for I didn't understand even in part what brokenness was. Am I going to act like I am all together from now on, I am going to try my best not to. The walls that I have felt between God and I for so long are not there anymore. Not because I didn't believe or trust Him, but the thing he hates the most was so prevalent and ordinary in my life that I didn't even see it. PRIDE. The very opposite of what God wants for our lives, had reared it's ugly head so long ago, that it became a part of me. I realized through reading a book about brokenness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that when she gave a long list of what prideful people vs. broken people do, that I almost got a perfect score for being the proudest person in the world. Yes, I have loved God since I gave my heart to Him when I was 10. Yes, I have had amazing moments where I could feel God's presence in such a real way that I wanted to stay there forever. However, throughout much of college years and beyond, I have allowed pride to grow in such a way that I am ashamed. I feel like it's not something I should keep a secret for as I knelt (as best I could) at His feet and brokenly confessed each form of pride that I had allowed into my life, I felt those walls crumble and the presence of God so real that I want everyone to experience it.

"God creates out of nothing. Therefore, until a man is nothing, God can make nothing out of him." - Martin Luther

God can't use us the way He wants to or even be near us when we have pride in our lives. Pride comes in many forms, but can only be overcome by brokenness. If we really want to change to world and allow Him to change ours, we have to get rid of it. Am I forever cured of this...probably not as this is a struggle I might need to fight each day. The freedom that comes from honesty and a REAL, vibrant relationship with Him, is far worth any fight we might have to take on.

"When our personality is surrendered to the Holy Spirit, He will express the heart of God in and through us. We will no longer be self-conscious but God-conscious." - Nancy Leigh DeMoss

As far as how I am feeling, I still have good days where I feel like life could be getting back to normal and bad days where I feel like a limp dish rag. Six to eight weeks is a long time, but it is my mile-marker to hope for that life can return to a new normal for us. (Minus the pride=) I still have trouble sleeping through the night, and I would ask for prayer on that as it really affects how I feel the next day. However, I know that God is faithful, and if He wants to use those long hours to break me and draw me close to HIm, than so be it. I am so excited to live out my days God-conscious instead of self-consious. Will you join me?

He Knows....

Did you ever have a time when you knew God was trying to speak straight to your heart? It is humbling and amazing at the same time. I listened to a sermon by Andy Stanley this morning and I had one of those times. Last night, I asked God to help me break through this funk of questioning and distrust. I believe He delivered this morning as I heard this passage in Hebrews in such a needed way.

14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

So, I find great comfort in the fact that He knows what we're going through. He experienced loss, pain, discomfort, rejection, and even death. He's been there and even though I might be a little mad at some of these things He has allowed to happen, I long to crawl up in HIs lap and let Him comfort me even more. He KNOWS how I feel, He hurts because His child does, and He wants me to "Be still and Know" that He knows. He can empathize with you and me, and if we go to His throne, we are sure to find that mercy and grace He promises us "in our time of need."

My Full Portion

My family and I have been blessed with so many yummy meals these past 2 weeks. (Minus the 5 days of hospital food.) Definitely more than our fair PORTION. I can't thank everyone enough for those of you who provided those. One of Dustin's favorite verse , which is now mine as well, is Ps. 73:25-26 that says "Whom have I in heaven but you, and besides You, I desire nothing on Earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But, God, is the strength of my heart and my PORTION forever."

I remembered that when I had the privilege to hear Elisabeth Elliot speak, she spoke on this passage. He is just enough for us and for anything we are going through. God will meet us where we are at and be what we need...peace, comfort, strength. I have found that it does give you a new perspective on life, on people, when you almost lose yours. My prayer is that you, my friends and family, don't have to have something major happen to allow God to be your PORTION and to fill you with Him. We can't go wrong when we allow Him to take up the empty places in our lives and let Him fill them.

So my reply is to many dear friends who ask how I'm doing is that the only place to go is up from here. The same applies to allowing God to be our portion. For when the empty places (or the ones that need to be given to God) are filled by Himself, our lives are only going to be a better more fulfilled version of what they are now. A dear friend sent me a card and sweet gift that brought tears to my eyes. One of the best parts of that was a reminder of a quote by Elisabeth Elliot (she is a fan too=) , that says "It is in our acceptance of what is given that God gives Himself."

How I pray that God will give more of Himself to me and those around me as we accept these things we don't understand b/c we live in a fallen, sinful world. The best part is, that we can know and experience more of Him as we walk through it. Thank you to everyone that is praying...I feel a little stronger everyday and just knowing that so many prayers and acts of love are being brought to the table on behalf of me and my family touches my heart and fills it. I believe that this is part of His portion for me as I go through this healing and it makes a huge difference.