A Broken Christian

So, nobody really likes to talk about brokenness. Usually, we walk around (especially at church) acting like we have ourselves all put together. As a former pastor's daughter and military kid, and as a current pastor's wife, I can't tell you what pressure there is to "have it together." Well, God's broken me into pieces in the past few days in a much needed way. Having this emergency medical situation and loss did not break me for I didn't understand even in part what brokenness was. Am I going to act like I am all together from now on, I am going to try my best not to. The walls that I have felt between God and I for so long are not there anymore. Not because I didn't believe or trust Him, but the thing he hates the most was so prevalent and ordinary in my life that I didn't even see it. PRIDE. The very opposite of what God wants for our lives, had reared it's ugly head so long ago, that it became a part of me. I realized through reading a book about brokenness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss that when she gave a long list of what prideful people vs. broken people do, that I almost got a perfect score for being the proudest person in the world. Yes, I have loved God since I gave my heart to Him when I was 10. Yes, I have had amazing moments where I could feel God's presence in such a real way that I wanted to stay there forever. However, throughout much of college years and beyond, I have allowed pride to grow in such a way that I am ashamed. I feel like it's not something I should keep a secret for as I knelt (as best I could) at His feet and brokenly confessed each form of pride that I had allowed into my life, I felt those walls crumble and the presence of God so real that I want everyone to experience it.

"God creates out of nothing. Therefore, until a man is nothing, God can make nothing out of him." - Martin Luther

God can't use us the way He wants to or even be near us when we have pride in our lives. Pride comes in many forms, but can only be overcome by brokenness. If we really want to change to world and allow Him to change ours, we have to get rid of it. Am I forever cured of this...probably not as this is a struggle I might need to fight each day. The freedom that comes from honesty and a REAL, vibrant relationship with Him, is far worth any fight we might have to take on.

"When our personality is surrendered to the Holy Spirit, He will express the heart of God in and through us. We will no longer be self-conscious but God-conscious." - Nancy Leigh DeMoss

As far as how I am feeling, I still have good days where I feel like life could be getting back to normal and bad days where I feel like a limp dish rag. Six to eight weeks is a long time, but it is my mile-marker to hope for that life can return to a new normal for us. (Minus the pride=) I still have trouble sleeping through the night, and I would ask for prayer on that as it really affects how I feel the next day. However, I know that God is faithful, and if He wants to use those long hours to break me and draw me close to HIm, than so be it. I am so excited to live out my days God-conscious instead of self-consious. Will you join me?

He Knows....

Did you ever have a time when you knew God was trying to speak straight to your heart? It is humbling and amazing at the same time. I listened to a sermon by Andy Stanley this morning and I had one of those times. Last night, I asked God to help me break through this funk of questioning and distrust. I believe He delivered this morning as I heard this passage in Hebrews in such a needed way.

14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

So, I find great comfort in the fact that He knows what we're going through. He experienced loss, pain, discomfort, rejection, and even death. He's been there and even though I might be a little mad at some of these things He has allowed to happen, I long to crawl up in HIs lap and let Him comfort me even more. He KNOWS how I feel, He hurts because His child does, and He wants me to "Be still and Know" that He knows. He can empathize with you and me, and if we go to His throne, we are sure to find that mercy and grace He promises us "in our time of need."

My Full Portion

My family and I have been blessed with so many yummy meals these past 2 weeks. (Minus the 5 days of hospital food.) Definitely more than our fair PORTION. I can't thank everyone enough for those of you who provided those. One of Dustin's favorite verse , which is now mine as well, is Ps. 73:25-26 that says "Whom have I in heaven but you, and besides You, I desire nothing on Earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But, God, is the strength of my heart and my PORTION forever."

I remembered that when I had the privilege to hear Elisabeth Elliot speak, she spoke on this passage. He is just enough for us and for anything we are going through. God will meet us where we are at and be what we need...peace, comfort, strength. I have found that it does give you a new perspective on life, on people, when you almost lose yours. My prayer is that you, my friends and family, don't have to have something major happen to allow God to be your PORTION and to fill you with Him. We can't go wrong when we allow Him to take up the empty places in our lives and let Him fill them.

So my reply is to many dear friends who ask how I'm doing is that the only place to go is up from here. The same applies to allowing God to be our portion. For when the empty places (or the ones that need to be given to God) are filled by Himself, our lives are only going to be a better more fulfilled version of what they are now. A dear friend sent me a card and sweet gift that brought tears to my eyes. One of the best parts of that was a reminder of a quote by Elisabeth Elliot (she is a fan too=) , that says "It is in our acceptance of what is given that God gives Himself."

How I pray that God will give more of Himself to me and those around me as we accept these things we don't understand b/c we live in a fallen, sinful world. The best part is, that we can know and experience more of Him as we walk through it. Thank you to everyone that is praying...I feel a little stronger everyday and just knowing that so many prayers and acts of love are being brought to the table on behalf of me and my family touches my heart and fills it. I believe that this is part of His portion for me as I go through this healing and it makes a huge difference.

Freedom and a prayer request.

So, I've never actually watched Braveheart, but even I know that this is the battle cry that the main character calls out as they rush to meet the enemy. It has been difficult not having the freedom I am used to. I get tired when I walk across the house or do just about anything. So, I have been trying to make myself as occupied as possible, while feeling guilty that I can't help Dustin as he tries to work from home, take care of the kids, and keep the house live-able. However, God showed me a verse in Isaiah that talks about liberty and freedom. Since it's Memorial Day, I couldn't think of a more fitting topic. He showed me the verse in the middle of night...for those of you prayer warriors, I would ask that you pray for sleep for me. I think my body is just so confused, it is not cooperating at all and I really need sleep to help with the whole healing process.

So back to that freedom verse that God brought me to...Isaiah 61:1 "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, Because the Lord has annointed me to bring good news to the afflicted, He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim LIBERTY to captives and FREEDOM to the prisoners." I am not embracing the freedom He died to give us. Guilt, frustration, and captivity is not what He sacrificed everything for me to experience...It is Liberty and Freedom...whatever our circumstances are, we can experience that Freedom and joy. We can take that promise to the bank as God tells us over and over through His Word. A special thanks to all those who have served in our military to give us freedom here! A prayer of thanksgiving to our Savior that died to give us freedom. No matter what "prison" we have allowed ourselves to live in, we can cling to the fact that He wants to break us out of it. So, thanks to everyone who is praying for our family....I will keep you "posted"=)

A Literal Second Chance at Life

I am creating this blog to tell my story of how my life changed in a few hours...of what happened (the short version) last Friday and how God spared my life. Thank you so much to everyone who has visited in the hospital, sent cards and meals, and phone calls of encouragement. It is going to be a long road ahead and we are grateful for everyone who was and is praying for us as we travel this journey. What a blessing it is to know there are people cheering and praying us along. So, I will try to keep this updated (for I don't have too much else I can do right now=) that way everyone will know how they can pray and rejoice with us as we see God answer pray along the way. So, back to the beginning.....

In just a couple of hours last Friday, my world changed from grocery shopping, changing diapers, and making plans for my getaway with Dustin to laying on an ER table with doctors and nurses surrounding me trying to get my blood levels (hemoglobin) up and IV’s in , listening to them talk about how bad things were and that my condition was “critical”. The words "ruptured" and "pregnant" stood out in my mind and continue to ring in my ears.

At that moment, I was worrying about Dustin and how he would do if….So, I told him I was a fighter and not to worry before they rushed me to the ambulance to transfer me to another hospital. I told God that I didn’t think I was really ready to go…that I had too much to do here: my kids, my husband, my youth kids …, I also told Him that my life was and always has been in His hands, and I gave it to Him-EVERYTHING. I was at peace…I truly had the kind of peace that passes all understanding…and even though no one knew at that time except Dustin to pray, I know that He was holding me in the shadow of His wings. So through the ambulance ride, and the blood transfusions, and kissing Dustin goodbye, and being slid onto the operating table with bright lights and the sound of the doctor saying he had never seen someone with such low hemoglobin levels and to order more units of blood “just in case” ( which they did use by the way) ….I still felt peace.

How great is our God….He gives and takes away…and He is still good. I have had such a hard time understanding that this year…how He could still be good and let such bad things happen. Yet I know, that through this sinful world we have to live in, He never leaves our side. No matter how much we mess up, how many times we stray, our Almighty God still loves us. That is the definition of a God that is Good... we just happen to live in sinful world temporarily.

I am still having a hard time with some of the details…with forgiveness….with the pain…the loss…, but than I heard a song that I love by Tim McGraw…”Live like you were dying”, and was reminded to not let this experience hold me back from truly living, truly loving with all my heart. I need to not focus on the part that I almost died, but that I lived. I talked to God for awhile today…truly poured my heart out…it’s been awhile since I let down those walls. I don’t want them to go back up, for than I will be missing out on one of the biggest things God is trying to teach me…yet again.

I learned to stop doing things because I need to or even want to, but do the things I am called to with everything I am. That is my purpose and what will bring God the most glory. I have had almost a week in the hospital with more blood transfusions, nurses and doctors, IV needles, and TV than I ever care to see again. I pray that God will continue to restore what the “locusts have eaten”, and that I will experience Him more than ever before. I desperately need Him for when I feel discouraged, and lonely, and in pain, I know I can always count on the One who gives me every breath and has my life planned out. I will end this entry with a quote that I have loved since High School from a famous missionary martyr named Jim Elliot “He is no fool to give what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. ” To God be the glory forever and ever-“ no matter what.